For a while, I thought I had overcome the darkness of my ego. However, it recently returned, unexpectedly and forcefully.
The pain started in my chest. Not like heartbreak or anxiety—this was different. It felt as if something beyond this world, maybe the Universe itself, was trying to rip open the core of my being—the kind of pain you can’t name or trace. Unlike a cut on your finger, where you understand the cause and accept it, this pain didn’t come with a reason. It came from somewhere buried too deep for logic to reach.
It felt like drowning in my own shadow, beyond the ego, beyond the concept of ego death. As if I fell into a layer of darkness I didn’t know existed. And I wonder: how deeply can pain be buried before it breaks through, uninvited and incomprehensible?
I had two glasses of wine that night. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I was desperate for peace—just one moment of silence from the internal storm. The alcohol didn’t comfort me. On the contrary, it intensified the chaos afterward. I was left feeling worse—vibrationally drained, energetically shattered.
This wasn’t just emotional pain. It was cellular. It twisted in my chest, fogged my thoughts, and stirred up stored emotions in my very tissues. Even my brain felt inflamed. My thyroid flared up—I could feel the Hashimoto’s symptoms rising like wildfire. My throat ached to the touch. I could barely breathe. My aura felt fuzzy and fragmented. I didn’t feel like myself.
But then again—who am I? Who am I? And what is my purpose?
Everything collapsed. Again.
For almost two years now, I’ve been walking through what feels like the dark night of the ego. Sometimes, it resembles a disturbed Kundalini process. Other times, I wonder—am I simply going through a nervous breakdown? Maybe my nerves are overstimulated. Perhaps cortisol is constantly flooding my system. Or possibly it’s a combination of it all—Hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s flare-ups, and menopause symptoms all mixing. Honestly, I don’t know.
But I feel I need help. The Creator’s presence.
And I want to see again through the eyes of God. I want to feel like God feels—expand, breathe, and live in love. Always.
So no, the wine didn’t help. The ego—the wounded, protective self—took over again. It whispered its old patterns. And I let it in. But I still pray that it will one day surrender to the Source within me. Because I know what I truly need is not escape—it’s the opposite of fear. It’s divine remembrance.
And prayer helps. It truly does.
There Is Only Now: Pain as Residual Memory
There’s something I figured out. The past? It doesn’t exist. The future—without the past—doesn’t exist either. There is no time. There is just now.
So if I can just remember that, even in the middle of emotional chaos, I realize: the pain I feel is often a residue—stored in the body. I don’t need to reject it. I don’t need to get angry at it. This time, I simply said:
“Okay, this emotion was awakened by an old ego pattern. An old thought, based on a past experience. The mind remembered, and the wound in the body—held in emotional form—got triggered.”
And when that happens, I greet it gently. I say:
“Hi, emotion. You can hurt. You have one minute.”
It’s amazing what happens. Sometimes, after that acknowledgment, a silence spreads through everything—like a soft breath of peace. And the pain shrinks. Will it work every time? I don’t know. But it works now. And that’s enough.
Healing Through the Body’s Wisdom
When you’re moving through the dark night, your energy body may guide you to what it needs. This is not a time for diets, dogmas, or routines—it’s a time to listen.
Food and herbs that support this deep inner work are different for everyone. What matters most is your body’s intuitive voice. It might surprise you.
Sometimes I crave strange combinations—things I never wanted before. Lately, I’ve found deep calmness by chewing on fresh rosemary. Lavender soothes me too. I eat less fruit now, though I used to love it. Instead, I gravitate toward warm, more liquid foods. Viili (a Finnish type of kefir) helps settle my gut and my energy.
I’ve noticed a pattern: just before a wave of deep energetic healing begins, I crave heavier foods. It’s as if the body knows what’s coming and is bracing itself. This isn’t a joke—this process demands everything from you. So honor it.
Listen. No matter how strange the craving may be, trust your body. It knows more than we think.
Herbal Allies for the Dark Night
While there’s no single remedy for what we experience during these initiations, some herbs have supported me:
- Ashwagandha: grounding, calming, nourishing
- Maca: energizing in a soft, non-stimulating way
- Rosemary: clarity, warmth, and unexpected peace
Again, your experience will differ. This is your sacred walk.
I cannot recommend alcohol, nicotine, or caffeine. But I also don’t judge. Be your guide—and if you need help, please reach out. Surround yourself with people who hold space, not with judgment, but with quiet understanding.
You don’t need judgment. None of us do—especially not now.
And When Will This Get Better?
I don’t know.
I pray the Creator will speak to me soon. I pray for comfort and clarity, because right now, only the Divine can soothe this pain.
But I hold onto this: even in the darkness, love is working. Even when I cannot feel it, I am not alone. And neither are you.
Let your healing be strange. Let your cravings be sacred. Let your breakdowns be a gateway to your breakthrough.
And when the pain returns, remember: the light is not gone. It’s simply buried—waiting for you to breathe through the darkness, and listen.
