I sometimes wonder whether there is an herbal remedy for difficult colleagues. If someone has discovered one, please let me know. I would happily buy it.
Joking aside, most of us have experienced an uncomfortable situation at work. Perhaps a colleague constantly criticizes your ideas, interrupts you during meetings or takes credit for something you have spent days preparing. Sometimes it is gossip, unpleasant comments or someone creating tension in the office for reasons you cannot quite understand.
I have learned to remind myself that we are all here to learn and, in my spiritual understanding, to remember our true essence. I also believe that the people we meet can teach us something about ourselves, including those we find particularly difficult. But this does not mean we should allow someone to take advantage of us. Understanding another person’s behaviour does not require accepting dishonesty, sabotage or disrespect. We still need to do our jobs, protect our work and be able to speak up when something is wrong.
What interests me most is how we respond to these situations. It is easy to become upset, especially when we feel someone has treated us unfairly. The difficult part is recognizing that moment before we say something we may later regret.
Why do some people make working together so difficult?
I don’t think every unpleasant encounter means we are dealing with a difficult person. We all have bad days, misunderstand instructions or say something without thinking. Sometimes two colleagues simply have different ways of working. There is a difference, however, between an occasional disagreement and repeated behaviour that makes your working day unpleasant.
A colleague may continually question your competence in front of others, withhold information you need to complete your work or present your ideas as their own. You may begin preparing yourself for another unpleasant conversation before you even arrive at the office. Research suggests these experiences deserve attention. In its 2025 Civility Index, the Society for Human Resource Management reported that workplace incivility remained a significant concern among American workers. Its second-quarter findings also showed that employees who received little managerial support after experiencing incivility were more likely to consider leaving their jobs.
The American Psychological Association’s 2024 Work in America survey found that 15% of surveyed workers described their workplace as somewhat or very toxic. Employees who felt less psychologically safe at work were also more likely to report emotional exhaustion and difficulties with colleagues. These findings remind us that relationships at work affect more than the atmosphere in the office. When people are worried about being criticized, embarrassed or treated unfairly, it becomes harder to concentrate on their responsibilities and enjoy their work.
Learning to pause before reacting
One of the things I have been learning through my own spiritual journey is the importance of observing my reactions.
When someone says something unpleasant, my first reaction may be emotional. I may feel angry, disappointed or tempted to defend myself immediately. But I have come to appreciate the value of giving myself a moment before responding. Sometimes a few seconds are enough to prevent an unnecessary argument. I can listen, consider what has actually been said and decide whether the situation requires an answer. This is something I appreciate in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. His work encourages us to become aware of our thoughts and emotions rather than immediately identifying with every reaction that appears.
I find this particularly relevant at work, where we often have to respond professionally even when another person’s behaviour is upsetting. If someone criticizes your work during a meeting, for example, you might ask them to explain their concern more specifically. If a colleague makes an accusation that is incorrect, you can respond with the facts. And if a conversation becomes disrespectful, it is reasonable to suggest continuing it later, when both people can discuss the matter properly.
I think being able to pause is a skill that improves with practice. It does not mean we never become angry. It simply gives us a little more control over what we do with that anger.
What if someone takes credit for your work?
This is one situation where I believe we need to be particularly clear.
Imagine spending several weeks preparing a proposal, researching information and developing ideas, only to hear someone else presenting your work as their own. Naturally, you would feel disappointed and perhaps angry. I would begin by making sure the facts are clear. Sometimes colleagues misunderstand who contributed what, especially when several people work on the same project.
If the situation is deliberate or keeps happening, it is important to address it.
Keeping records of your contributions, sharing project updates with the relevant people and confirming responsibilities in writing can help prevent misunderstandings. If someone presents your work without acknowledging you, you can calmly explain which parts you developed and how the project progressed. For example, you might say, “I would like to add some background on the research and proposal I prepared, as it explains why we chose this approach.”
If the behaviour continues, speak with your manager and provide specific examples. When raising concerns, it is usually more useful to explain what happened and how it affected the work than to speculate about the colleague’s intentions. I believe we can treat people respectfully while also making sure our own contributions are recognized.
Can difficult colleagues teach us something about ourselves?
This is where my spiritual perspective comes into the picture.
Over the years, I have become interested in the idea that some of the people we meet reflect aspects of ourselves that we have not fully understood. Perhaps someone who constantly seeks attention makes us aware of our own need for recognition. Someone who is controlling may remind us how uncomfortable we feel when we cannot make our own decisions.
I also understand why people connect this idea with the law of attraction, although I see the possibility of learning from others as a personal spiritual interpretation rather than a scientific explanation of their behaviour. I would be careful about taking the mirror idea too literally. We are not responsible for another person’s dishonesty or aggression, and being treated badly does not mean we somehow attracted or deserved that experience.
Still, I find it useful to ask myself why a particular situation has affected me so strongly. Am I upset because someone crossed a reasonable boundary? Am I afraid of being misunderstood? Is there something I need to communicate more clearly? Sometimes the answer is simply that another person behaved badly and we need to deal with it. Other times, the experience helps us understand our own reactions. Either way, I think there is something to learn.
Ho’oponopono, forgiveness and letting go
One practice that has helped me over the years is Ho’oponopono, a Hawaiian practice associated with reconciliation and forgiveness. The modern version I use involves repeating four simple phrases:
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
For me, these words do not mean that I am apologizing to someone who has treated me badly or that I must forgive their behaviour. I direct them towards myself, towards the emotions and experiences I may have suppressed over the years.
In my spiritual understanding, these unresolved feelings can sometimes attract similar energies or become triggered by the behaviour of other people. Through Ho’oponopono, I try to recognize what has been stirred within me and release the emotional pain connected to it. I have used this practice successfully many times, particularly with people I have known for only a short period. With family members and people with whom we share a longer history, I have found that it can take considerably more time.
Years ago, when I was new to a large corporation in Finland, I was still getting familiar with my work and the people around me. One woman treated me unpleasantly almost every day. I didn’t understand why. I was new, trying to do my job well and had done nothing, as far as I knew, to upset her. Her behaviour hurt me. Instead of confronting her, I decided to practise Ho’oponopono. For approximately two weeks, I repeated the four phrases throughout the day and before going to sleep. I tried to understand what within me was reacting so painfully to her behaviour and, according to my spiritual beliefs, what unresolved emotions might have attracted this experience into my life.
Then something happened that I had not expected. After about two weeks, she came into my office and apologized. I was surprised, especially because I had never discussed my practice with her. Later, I learned that she was a single mother battling cancer and going through an extremely difficult period in her life.
To this day, I do not know why she treated me the way she did, or what made her decide to apologize. I cannot say whether my meditation influenced her decision. What I do know is that the hurt I had been carrying was gone, and we were finally at peace with each other. That experience changed the way I looked at difficult encounters. Sometimes we know very little about what another person is experiencing. Their behaviour may have nothing to do with us, even when we are the ones receiving their anger.
I still believe that people can reflect something within us, although I see this as part of my spiritual understanding rather than an explanation for every unpleasant encounter. And I do not believe we are responsible for another person’s decision to mistreat us.
Ho’oponopono has helped me work through my own emotions, particularly when I find myself holding on to hurt or resentment. It does not replace speaking up, setting boundaries or protecting ourselves when necessary. But in my experience, it can help us find peace with situations that would otherwise continue troubling us long after they have passed.
A few things that can help after a difficult day
When I have spent too much time thinking about an unpleasant situation, I find that being outdoors helps me change my focus. Walking gives me an opportunity to move, enjoy my surroundings and think about something other than work. Meditation is another practice I appreciate. It does not have to involve sitting for an hour or following a particular spiritual teaching. You can begin with ten minutes, sitting comfortably and paying attention to your breathing. When your thoughts return to the conversation that upset you, simply notice them and bring your attention back.
Some people prefer yoga or stretching after work. A comfortable mat can make it easier to create a regular space for these activities at home. Reading has also helped me explore different ways of understanding myself and other people. I particularly appreciate books that encourage self-awareness, patience and responsibility for our own reactions. If you enjoy herbal tea, chamomile or lemon balm can be pleasant additions to an evening routine. Neither will solve a problem with a colleague, and evidence for their effects on anxiety remains limited. But preparing a cup of tea and spending some time away from work can be enjoyable in itself.
When workplace problems involve repeated bullying, discrimination, threats or deliberate interference with your work, relaxation practices are not enough. It is important to document what has happened and seek appropriate support through management, HR, a union representative or another relevant channel.
We still have to work together
I sometimes think how much time we spend with colleagues during our lives. In many cases, we see them more often than some of our friends or relatives. We come from different backgrounds, have different personalities and carry experiences that others know very little about. Naturally, we will not always agree or get along. I would like to believe that we can learn to approach these differences with more patience and understanding. At the same time, I believe that mutual respect is essential. Everyone deserves to do their work without being undermined or made uncomfortable by someone else’s behaviour. I cannot control how another person chooses to behave, but I can continue learning how to respond, when to speak up and when to leave an argument alone.
And if someone does eventually discover that herbal remedy for difficult colleagues, I would still be interested in hearing about it.
